Afa, Domestic Abuse Survivor

Warning: Descriptions of domestic abuse

“He never touched me. I want to emphasize this, he didn’t touch me,” says Afa, a now-single mother, and a strong survivor of financial and emotional domestic abuse.

Afa has always been an outspoken child, who excelled in her schools, held elected school posts, and a passionate advocate for social justice.

Afa describes marrying at the young age of 21 years old to a narcissist as the biggest mistake of her life.
Ever since childhood, Afa has always suffered from severe anxiety attacks, which only got worse after and throughout her marriage of eight years. She recounts her ex-husband as a man who was uncaring and uninvolved with their child.
Most notedly, Afa says that he treated her, “as if I was not there.”

“I felt invisible,” Afa says. “In the midst of my many anxiety attacks, I would be on my knees on the ground, feeling strangled. He would just stand there, and watch me breakdown.”

He would go to work in the morning, come home late at night, some nights even at 4AM.

“I was lucky that I did my degree, so it was easier to get a job after I had my son,” says Afa.

Afa also recalls her lying about his actual salary, and bringing home an amount that they could just barely survive on, for which reason, she started going to a job. However, the truth was, his real income was more than double of what he told.

Afa worked longer hours as a teacher to make ends meet, and even saved money for a rainy-day fund. She recalls that whenever she would save money, her ex-husband would take it from her, often making an excuse about someone being sick in the family.

The worst of all financial abuse was when her husband made her take a huge loan on her name.

Afa also recalls getting opportunity to study abroad, which he prohibited. And taking a high-paying job as a university lecturer, which he also did not let happen.

She admits that they were red flags which she didn’t recognize at the time. “He did not want me to go further in my career.”

“I remember I would get calls from my child’s school as his father would not go to pick him up on time when he was just 4 years old, and I would leave my students at the school I was working, and walk to pick him up from school.”
She also says that her husband’s lack of involvement and attention in her and her kid’s life, “made me feel ugly, I started putting makeup on my face, made me feel like nothing.”

Even then, Afa would not disclose these details to anyone. She had always portrayed her marriage as perfect to outsiders.

“And then one day, out of the blue, I saw the man I built a life with, with another woman. And my whole world shattered.”

Afa then continued to face one of the most excruciating nervous breakdowns. She fell into deep depression, went into catatonic phases to the point she began to neglect her son.

It was only during one of her depressive episodes when she was squeezing her son that made her realize the toll it was taking on her child.

Today, Afa is strong enough to share her story and recognize that even though her ex-husband did not physically hit or beat her, she turned a blind eye to the emotional and financial abuse to which she was subjected.

Afa says that the reason she is sharing her story is so that more women like her who are in similar situations can recognize the signs of emotional and financial abuse.

“You do not know what being married to a manipulative narcissist does to you,” says Afa. “I have recovered more or less, but I still have trouble trusting people. He stole that from me.”

Today, Afa is getting her Master’s Degree in Social Policy, and she hopes to serve in Gender Ministry in the future.
She says that the father is not very involved in their son’s life at all.

“I have now accepted that my son is my child and mine only. I’m still paying off the financial debts while taking care of my son without any help. But I will continue to thrive in my career, in personal life with my son.”

Afa is now rebuilding her life, with the help of her friend and therapist. At her work, she describes, she grabs every little opportunity that comes in her way, to get ahead, all the while, ensuring that her son doesn’t lack anything either.
Afa also wants people to know that women can get through life, even through the toughest hardships.

– Photostories in partnership with MV Rise Up